1: If you know, or suspect, that someone has been a victim of bullying, abuse, or sabotage, show them some compassion, solidarity, and respect.
Do not add to their suffering by gossiping, humiliating the victim, or sharing damaging information or content in real life or online.
2: If you are the leader of an organisation – for example, a company, team, or club – and a member of your organisation comes to you to report bullying, abuse, or sabotage, take them seriously and investigate their allegations.
Do not tell the alleged victim to go to the doctor to ask for anti-depressants or that they need therapy. The victim is not the problem, the abusers are.
If you fail to take effective action, the abusers will continue to act with impunity. The situation may escalate, possibly leading to very serious consequences for everyone involved, including your organisation.
3: Question the veracity of social media, dating and online profiles, and be wary of anyone that sends you “their new number”.
Creating fake profiles and impersonating victims in messaging apps and online is a very prolific and very effective form of bullying, abuse, and sabotage.
4: Stop automatically believing everything you see, hear, and read.
Use critical thinking when you come across potentially embarrassing, humiliating, sensitive, or intimate content and material.
5: Consider the possibility that what you are seeing, hearing, or reading could be completely fake, or manipulated, or created and published by someone impersonating the victim.
Let’s not forget the incredible advances being made in AI technology – the future is exciting or terrifying depending on whether you’re an aspiring abuser or a potential victim.
6: Question whether something is true or really what it appears to be.
Ask yourself if you are 100% sure you have all the facts and understand the full context.
For example, how do you know that the woman in “that video” is just drunk and having a wild night? Maybe she is out of control because she has been drugged, and you are actually watching a video of her being humiliated, manipulated, and assaulted by her attackers?
Or perhaps the intimate photos and videos you’ve seen are fake or were created by someone secretly filming their victim without their knowledge or consent?
It’s not so hilarious or erotic when you realize that you’re witnessing a crime, is it?
7: Use your judgement and common sense.
For example, is it likely that the woman you see at work, the supermarket, the gym, or around town, who always seems perfectly normal and happily married, is in fact leading a double-life? Do you really think she is a drug-taking, alcohol fuelled prostitute/nymphomaniac who spends the entire time her husband is at work looking for sex?
Or maybe you think she is sending you explicit messages and flirting with you online, yet when you see her in real life, she has no idea who you are, or if she does, she doesn’t appear to be remotely interested in you? Hmm? Any alarm bells ringing yet?
Yes, of course, it is possible that she is a fabulous actress and is indeed leading a double-life, but… seriously? Maybe you should investigate a little bit before you believe and spread outrageous gossip.
8: If you really want to know if someone published something or sent you a message, and you see them in real life, do them a favour and ask them.
Don’t try to be subtle by asking them cryptic questions or starting weird conversations that will confuse them. Just be polite and direct.
Show the person exactly what you are referring to on your mobile. If they did publish it or send the message, they won’t be embarrassed or offended. And if they didn’t, that means someone is impersonating them, and it will give the victim the opportunity to defend themselves and set the record straight.
Personally, I have had a lot of problems with fake profiles and people impersonating me, and I wish that someone had been brave enough to show me what they had seen and ask me directly what was going on. It is the only way I would have been able to protect myself and stop the abuse and sabotage from escalating and circulating unchecked for years.
9: Do not gaslight victims.
If you have information that could help the victim stop the bullying, abuse, or sabotage, even if you are not legally obliged to do so, in my opinion, it is your moral duty to help them.
If you are in a difficult position and cannot share the information with the victim for any reason (for example, it could put you in danger or would have serious professional repercussions etc.) then you should try to give the information to the victim anonymously. If you can’t do that, then the very least you can do, is not gaslight them.
Do not try to convince the victim that they are imagining the bullying, abuse, or sabotage, or that their instincts are wrong, or that they need therapy, when what they really need is the truth that you are refusing to give them.
By gaslighting the victim you are protecting the abusers and retraumatizing the victim. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse and traps the victim in a situation that they cannot resolve.
10: Ask yourself why someone is sharing something embarrassing, humiliating, or derogatory about the victim.
What could their motivation be? Why do they want to destroy that person’s reputation, relationships, and employment opportunities?
Could they be trying to silence the victim or make them want to disappear? Or maybe make them appear unsympathetic and unreliable?
What might the saboteur be hiding? What are they afraid of?
Is the abuse inspired by jealously or revenge?
Are they mentally or emotionally unstable, or have a serious personality disorder?
Maybe they are simply nasty and bored?
Perhaps we will never know.
Regardless of the motivation, “everybody else” should do their best to help the victim, not help the abuser by engaging in toxic behaviour.
11: Think before you share something that could hurt, offend, or prejudice someone else.
Even if it is real or true, everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves the chance to start afresh.
Sharing something that you know you wouldn’t want everyone to see if it were you, is unnecessary and cruel. By doing so, you are no longer an innocent bystander, you are actively participating in the cycle of abuse.
12: Imagine how you would feel if the victim was your friend or a member of your family.
How would you want people to behave if someone you loved was being systematically bullied, abused, and sabotaged?
You would want your loved one’s suffering to end so they could put the past behind them and move on with their life.
You cannot change what has happened in the past, but you can help to create a safe environment in the present and give the victims hope for the future.
Treating victims with compassion and respect, and avoiding behaviour that contributes to retraumatizing them, is the best way you can help them.
13: Remember that for many victims, it is the constant reminder of the abuse that they suffered that can push them over the edge.
By gossiping, sharing embarrassing content, or disrespecting the victim, you could contribute to their depression, self-destructive behaviour, and possibly even an eventual suicide. You don’t want that on your conscience, so think very carefully about how you treat people, especially someone that you believe may be vulnerable.
14: never underestimate the language skills of a foreigner living in your country.
Just because someone has an accent, doesn’t mean they don’t understand you or are deaf (yes, ridiculous I know, but some people seem to think they can gossip loudly and obviously about a foreigner, and they won’t notice?).
It is perfectly possible for a foreigner to speak your language with a strong accent and still be completely fluent. Also, foreigners who speak your language tend to have much better listening and observational skills than the average person. They have learnt your language by listening intensely and watching people closely to pick-up on any non-verbal communication. In fact, if they are deaf, they will be even better at understanding you because they can read your lips and body language!
15: educate & protect yourself, your children, & others.
Learn about potential dangers in the real world and online so you can take steps to protect yourself and others.
The social psychologist and author Jonathan Haidt argues that we are overprotecting our children in the real world whilst underprotecting them online. In his book, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness,” he explores this phenomenon in detail. Whilst this book focusses on the dangers and problems facing young people, cases such as the Pelicot Trial demostrate that we are all potentially vulnerable to becoming victims of abusive people.
For me, one of the most striking facts about the Pelicot crimes is that they were only discovered and stopped thanks to a security guard working in a supermarket. He caught Dominique Pelicot “upskirting” women (secretly filming up the skirts of women) and reported him to the police. The security guard could have easily let the old man off and just warned him not to act like a pervert in the supermarket, but thankfully, he didn’t. Luckily, the police also took the upskirting seriously, which lead to an investigation that uncovered the full horror of Domique Pelicot’s crimes. Without the intervention of the security guard and the diligent work of the police, the crimes may well have continued indefinitely, perhaps even resulting in the death of Pelicot’s main victim – his wife.
Imagine for a moment that you knew about an abusive incident – for example, perhaps you knew that someone you worked with had drugged one of your colleagues at a party and assaulted them. What would you do? Would you report them to the police? Perhaps you decide that the assault wasn’t really that serious and if the victim doesn’t remember what happened (due to being drugged) it’s better to let it go. But now ask yourself, if someone would commit a crime like that in front of people they work with, imagine what they are capable of doing behind closed doors with no witnesses? Or online, hiding behind the anonymity of the internet? By failing to act, you may be unwittingly letting someone like Domique Pelicot continue to abuse victims for years with impunity.
If we wish to live in a safe, happy, healthy, civilised society, we should all do our best to protect ourselves and others from uncivilised, abusive people.
Stop Retrauma 